The subreddit r/AmItheAhole often has stories on it that will make you raise your eyebrows or question what common decency means anymore, but it’s usually pretty easy to tell who the actual a-hole is in those stories. This one posted by u/kkthrowitaway is not like that. Though it seems as though the OP has been voted overall as Not The A**hole, the actual comments on her story are extremely mixed.
According to this woman, her husband of ten years had an affair. It lasted six months and ended when his wife found out. They went to couple's counseling, worked on their marriage and tried to make peace. But her husband's mistress turned out to be pregnant. The OP says she knew that when the baby was born, her husband would have some involvement in the child's life, even if it was just financial. That's not what happened:
This is extremely difficult to talk about with anyone I actually know, and is a secret from a lot of friends and family members. Posting on an alt in the hope that people here can give me an honest answer.
Tragically though, the baby was stillborn. I wasn’t looking forward to this baby coming but I didn’t wish for this either. My husband’s former mistress has sent details about the funeral. I don’t think he should attend. He never got to meet this child and wasn’t even there at the hospital when everything happened.
If this was a child he knew at all, of course my opinion would be different. But as of now, I don’t feel comfortable with him going. He (bizarrely) said maybe I should go with him. That’s a no. I obviously am not going to attend this funeral and make the woman and her whole family uncomfortable. Despite my disdain for her, I am not going to disrupt her mourning.
There are a few people in the family that are aware of the situation. My husband’s sister, my MIL, and my mother. His sister thinks he should go to the funeral. My mother says if he goes I should divorce him. MIL refuses to comment on the situation at all. So I’m at a loss, really. Am I in the wrong, given the circumstances?
This is a tragic and difficult scenario, and for once the people of Reddit seem to understand that. The very top comment, with many awards, is from BURNERINO12345 and it reads: "holllllllyyyyyyyyy sh—t. Uhhhhh, I think this one is above Reddit's paygrade."
Just the same, a number of people weighed in. Some folks had been cheated on themselves, and sympathized with how the OP was feeling. They wouldn't want their husband near his old mistress for any reason. Others sympathized with the husband, because losing a kid isn't easy whatever the circumstances.
We can't tell from his wife's story how he feels about it or if he needs to process his grief. And as some people pointed out, a baby being stillborn isn't the same thing as "not knowing" someone. There is a far different level of connection and expectation when the birth of a child is involved.
We might never know what the OP decides to tell her husband, but one thing seems sure: they need more couple's counseling.