The wonderful AITA subreddit (r/AmItheA**hole) is a place where anyone can go and ask the Internet at large if they are, in fact, an a**hole.
The sub has a lot of rules. For instance, you can’t post a story in which you obviously are NOT an a**hole. That’s a validation post, meaning you just wanted to get a lot of pats on the back. The best stories are the controversial ones, where some people are sure you’re in the wrong and some completely disagree. This is such a story.
A Redditor posted his question about four days ago but has since deleted it, probably because he was largely designated an a**hole. The story was captured for posterity by Someecards, and the comments remain. But here’s what happened, according to him:
This was tonight/this morning (it’s after 5am). Last night was a big work party at a bar. We came back to my place because I have a fully furnished basement, with stocked bar, where I host parties. This was coworkers I know well and some I don’t. I always play bartender when I host because it’s my bar in my house and it’s just what I do.
A girl who works for the company at another office is sitting at my packed bar table and I mixed her a martini because I saw her drinking martinis at the bar before. I did the exact same thing for everyone at my bar; Mixed them their cocktail of choice either by noticing what they had earlier, or asking them. She wasn’t first to be served so she saw me doing this.
When I put her drink in front of her, she looked at it, then to her friend beside her and asked “did you watch him make it?” Her friend goes “no, I was talking” or something. She looks at me and starts to try to deny the drink. I heard her ask her friend that question so I said “are you kidding?”. I have a sense of humor so I could have taken it as a joke.
Now- if she didn’t want a martini, she was welcome to have anything else. Or- if she didn’t want any alcohol, she could have declined it outright. But she started to talk about drinks made her for that she didn’t see made, so I interrupted her quickly with “do you really think it’s possible I drugged your drink or something?”. She was being serious so I told her to “get the fuck out of my house” and I pointed to the door.
She was the ride for a few people and one of her friends told me to not be like that but I said no, I don’t care who she drove, you can leave with her if you want to, but she’s leaving now. She had her chance to give any explanation besides me possibly drugging her drink, but didn’t.
No one has ever seen me kick someone out before so it really stopped the party for a minute. But she went out and we carried on. I basically explained to whoever wanted to talk about it that I felt disrespected in my own home for no good reason and that is cause for me to kick someone out.
What do you think, AITA?
Most of the comments in reply to this guy say that, yes, he absolutely was an a**hole. Women are frequently advised to watch their drinks constantly.
If a strange man set a drink I didn’t ask for down in front of me, I would pour it through the floorboards as soon as his back was turned. This may be too real, but I know five women personally who have had something slipped in their drink, two of whom remember that they were assaulted while drugged. This is not a fear based in paranoia but in real-life experience.
Many people were quick to point this out, like this top-rated comment from Lil-Lanata:
You might have been insulted, but this is a literal case of life and death for women.
These are precautions we take everywhere.
You never know who is capable of this, until they’re caught.
She’s looking out for her safety.
You valued your pride more than her safety.
Others also said the OP was letting his pride get in the way of his reason. He wanted her to be nice and she wanted to protect herself.
Commenter Egg-prince gave him a suggestion for how he could have responded:
Yeeeahh idk – I understand that you don’t really want to be insulted at your own home, and you know that you’re not the type of guy to drug someone.
But she really didn’t need to accept it, drinks get drugged and considering she doesn’t know you very well (or at all) she couldn’t have known you wouldn’t do that to her.
Basically you just wish she’d made up and excuse as to why she didn’t want it in order to protect your pride rather than to be honest.
You could have easily made her feel safe and welcome if you’d have said “how about I have this one and you watch me make the next one”
While most of the comments are basically more of the same, there were a few dissenters who basically think this woman was the a**hole.
She didn’t have to drink the drink and could have come up with a more polite way of rejecting it, rather than insinuating the host might be doing something underhanded. That’s what RockFourFour said, anyway:
This comments section is pants-on-head bonkers. You were accused of being a potential rapist by someone you barely knew in your own house because you gasp were being a good host.
F—k everything about this comment thread.
OP, you are NTA. Not even close.
EDIT: and let’s not dance around this. She accused him. She brought up why she didn’t want the drink to a friend right in front of OP.
She could have said “Ah, man you know what? I’d prefer a (insert cocktail) instead.” then watch him make it. Or she could have accepted it and not drank it. Or not fucking drank because she was the DD.
Point is, she had options other than accusing her host of being a rapist. What she did may have been out of caution, but it was tactless, rude, and socially inept.
Hmm, let’s unpack that. Drunk driving is very uncool, and this whole group is a mess for encouraging it and promoting it. Let’s set that aside for a second.
You know what gets women into trouble? Worrying about being polite. We don’t know much about the OP, but we do know he kicked a woman out of his house late at night, alone, because she didn’t act exactly how he wanted her to. That says a little something about how he would have reacted to her refusal of a drink. This is not a calm man.
Furthermore, why should she lie about a real concern for women (and men, frankly) everywhere?
He should know why what he was doing was putting her in an awkward position or making her uncomfortable. The fact that he had this huge reaction means he was pretty unaware of the reality many people face. Now he knows. He really knows.
Being polite is great, but it’s not more important than your safety. Ever.