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Chrissy Teigen Wrote A Heartbreaking Essay About Losing Her Baby Son

Celebrity Chrissy Teigen shares an enormous amount about herself and her family online, communicating frequently with fans, friends, and colleagues in public on Twitter. She shared her surprise pregnancy, discovered shortly after having her breast implants removed. She had also shared in the past the difficulty of conceiving and carrying her babies to term. Both her children, Luna and Miles were born via IVF.

Teigen also posted when she began to experiences complications with this third pregnancy and had to go on bed rest and then to the hospital. Then, tragically, she shared on September 30th that she had miscarried late in her pregnancy. She posted pictures of the incredibly painful moment, holding the baby who she and John Legend called Jack:

Her last tweet since then was about the surreal experience of going home from the hospital without a baby after going there in an attempt to save him:

Many people had differing opinions about how much should be shared online, but most were thankful that Teigen was willing to share something so personal that a great many people go through. There is very little open discussion of miscarriages and the loss of a deeply wanted member of the family.

On Tuesday, almost a month later, Teigen shared a Medium essay on Twitter about what happened with Jack and what happened after in everyone’s responses:

She writes a bit about the medical necessity of letting Jack go. Her pregnancies in the past have always been complicated by the placenta, which is needed to keep the baby fed and growing. Miles was delivered a month early for this reason. But with Jack she experienced a placenta abruption, which is more dangerous:

In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in. I actually became an adult diaper expert for my own personal entertainment, truly appreciating the brands that went out of their way to not make me feel like an actual sh*tting baby.

It eventually got to the point that she had to go to the hospital, but doctors had been suggesting for a while that it was not looking like the abruption would heal:

He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again.

Teigen says she asked her husband to take photos of her, the ones she famously shared. She knew he did not want to do it, but she felt she needed to be able to record and see them in order to process the pain of the moment later and to share her story:

I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.

She also says throughout that the messages from people she knew and people she didn’t meant the world to her in the last few weeks of healing and grief.  She extended her thanks to everyone who has made an effort to be kind, and asks that they remember to be kind to other people who may not be extended the same sympathy and care.