Toxic masculinity is rife in society, and there’s nothing worse than hyper-conservative religious dudes trying to push their ridiculous ideals on their fellow men. Their ideas on manhood range from the depressingly basic to the outright insane, which was certainly the case with the “99 Steps Toward Manhood” guide by Pastor Clint Pressley that was passed around Twitter this week.
As a pastor, Pressley is pretty knowledgable on “Christian manhood” and what it takes to be good at it.
Because of this, he felt compelled to share nearly a hundred things he believes men should be doing to be on his level (and God’s, I suppose). While I would never mock another person’s religious beliefs and fully support anyone who decides to go on a spiritual journey, Pressley’s list is a combination of outdated BS about masculinity and just basic human decency.
— Clint Pressley (@pastorclint) August 28, 2019
While no one can argue that things, like learning how to take a joke, admitting your mistakes, and practicing good hygiene, are good things for people of any gender to follow, Pressley also thinks the pinnacle of “Christian manhood” include things like not wearing crocks, knowing how to do a bunch of pushups, and eating a ton of meat/not being a vegetarian. Uh, yikes?
What’s also telling is that in Pressley’s eyes, all it takes to be a good Christian is turning up to church, reading the bible and a bunch of other religious books once a year, and not watching pornography. Something tells me God expects a little more than that of his followers, no? But then again, what do I know? I’m a happy atheist.
Is this a joke? Because I am laughing, mainly at you!
— gigglesNschitt (@GigglesNschitt) August 29, 2019
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Pressley got roasted to high heavens (pun intended) on Twitter as a result of his approach to life, and frankly, I haven’t stopped laughing since. Here are some of the best reactions.
— 🏴Holden (She/Her/He/Him) (@SheHimHolden) August 29, 2019
You obviously never served your country because the amount of Crocs on Marines in Afghanistan would scare you
— Church XO (@tcburkejr) August 29, 2019
Rejecting Satan’s plan for you to eat vegetables. I think you really got him on the ropes now, fellows!
— Meghann (@janejellyroll) August 29, 2019
Here is a photo of me having tea on a military installation in Afghanistan. Manly or no? Also, I am wearing a sweatervest to make it especially hard for you. pic.twitter.com/31yWtXpFrg
— Hunter “63% Man” Crowder (@HunterCrowder6) August 29, 2019
If I don’t use too much hair product and learn how to drive and use a chainsaw, will that make me a manly man, just like Jesus was?
— Gerry Lynch (@gerrylynch) August 29, 2019
I’m trying my best – however, sometimes I do find myself wearing Crocs, and weeping as I masturbate over a Greg’s Vegan sausage roll.
Oh, and tea over coffee you neanderthal.
— Richard Jerrett (@r_jerrett_uk) August 29, 2019
Step # 100: if you have to check items off a list to feel “manly,” you are insecure in your masculinity and should talk to Jesus about that.
Ask Him if you’ve been internalizing worldly cultural beliefs about your gender rather than resting secure in the way He made you.
— Josiah Hawthorne (@JosiahHawthorne) August 29, 2019
Must it be 4 biographies, specifically? Will men grow vaginas if they only read 3?
— kateoflate8 is a racist terf (@commieteamsix) August 29, 2019
— St. Simeon the Holy Fool ܫܡܥܘܢ ܣܠܘܣܐ (@SimeonTheFool) August 29, 2019
— John Piper’s Seashell Collection (@RumseyME) August 29, 2019
— Sarah Anne (@The_Home_Six) August 29, 2019
— MegMegMcGee (@MegMegMcGee) August 29, 2019
Oh cool I think I saw this while I was shitting at a Jimmy Johns.
— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) August 29, 2019
I have a good fountain pen AMA about manhood.
— nick (@davinic) August 29, 2019
21 and 22 are a feedback loop to a quick death
— Brendon (@3662brendon) August 29, 2019
Half of these are things Ron Swanson would say at the start of an episode before Leslie Knope convinced him to change his mind. The other half are things Ron Swanson would never say because they’re concepts that are a weak man’s idea of what a strong man is.
— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) August 29, 2019