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Twitter Wrecks Conservatives Outraged By Masturbation Article In Teen Vogue

On June 25, Teen Vogue published an article called ‘How to Use Sex Magic to Manifest Your Best Self,’ by a woman named Lisa Stardust. As you can tell from the title and byline, this is definitely something to take super seriously and get your panties in a twist about.

The article basically recommends things like putting your sex toys out under a full moon to absorb its power or wearing specific colors when you masturbate. Witchcraft!

Conservatives have many agendas, some of which are incredibly destructive to our democracy and dangerous to marginalized people. They’re also weirdly obsessed with masturbation and witchcraft?! Like, are you still in a puritan colony? Is it the Salem witch trials again?

With everything there is to focus on, someone diddling themselves while looking at the stars seems like it shouldn’t be a priority. But The American Conservative Magazine took note of Teen Vogue‘s playful post and gave their own run down on why touching yourself is ruining America:

“Masturbation will not help you get an A in algebra, stop your parents from splitting up, get you the lead part in the school play, supersize your Instagram following, or keep Becky off your back,” they responded. “Teen Vogue seems to think it will.”

You can’t make a statement like that and not expect people to roast you within an inch of your life. The comments in response to their tweeted article are absolutely hilarious, as people wondered who on earth has tried to masturbate their way into a lead part in their school play:

A couple people pointed out that a teen girl masturbating might be a choice that prevents some of the stuff conservatives are so worried about, like pregnancy out of wedlock:

And there were a number of opportunities for puns:

You do have to hand it to them: conservatives really know how to bring liberals together and rally behind a cause they all believe in. Touching themselves.