On June 25, Teen Vogue published an article called ‘How to Use Sex Magic to Manifest Your Best Self,’ by a woman named Lisa Stardust. As you can tell from the title and byline, this is definitely something to take super seriously and get your panties in a twist about.
The article basically recommends things like putting your sex toys out under a full moon to absorb its power or wearing specific colors when you masturbate. Witchcraft!
Conservatives have many agendas, some of which are incredibly destructive to our democracy and dangerous to marginalized people. They’re also weirdly obsessed with masturbation and witchcraft?! Like, are you still in a puritan colony? Is it the Salem witch trials again?
With everything there is to focus on, someone diddling themselves while looking at the stars seems like it shouldn’t be a priority. But The American Conservative Magazine took note of Teen Vogue‘s playful post and gave their own run down on why touching yourself is ruining America:
"Masturbation will not help you get an A in algebra, stop your parents from splitting up, get you the lead part in the school play, supersize your Instagram following, or keep Becky off your back." Teen Vogue seems to think it will. https://t.co/9iqbP4HdAK
— The American Conservative (@amconmag) July 3, 2019
“Masturbation will not help you get an A in algebra, stop your parents from splitting up, get you the lead part in the school play, supersize your Instagram following, or keep Becky off your back,” they responded. “Teen Vogue seems to think it will.”
You can’t make a statement like that and not expect people to roast you within an inch of your life. The comments in response to their tweeted article are absolutely hilarious, as people wondered who on earth has tried to masturbate their way into a lead part in their school play:
Not as awkward as the “we’re getting a divorce” conversation
— Manda Posthumously ⛸ (@ShutUpAmanda) July 3, 2019
Not with that attitude it won’t https://t.co/uAX8e2I9GS
— Lux ??♀️ Alptraum (@LuxAlptraum) July 3, 2019
Plus masturbation arguably COULD supersize your Instagram following.
— TG (@TGTalker) July 3, 2019
“Honey, your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
[whips out vibrator] Oh no you’re not. https://t.co/lPNJr5Mk91
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 3, 2019
It got you the lead part in the school play because they realized you excelled at the climax.
— Mookie Alexander (@mookiealexander) July 3, 2019
this argument is extra funny because it's equally true about praying https://t.co/HiRrYVNHCj
— Patrick Cosmos (@veryimportant) July 4, 2019
Long but worthwhile journey to that punchline.
— jennifer holton (@jenniferholton7) July 3, 2019
But masturbation WILL make you love and understand your body, feel happy and self-actualized, help you define and communicate your needs, keep you from settling for inadequate, lazy lovers… and it feels absolutely awesome.
Happy 4th of July, y’all!
Make your own fireworks. https://t.co/as9sML1hpT
— Aisha Tyler (@aishatyler) July 4, 2019
— just Ron (@TheRonster21) July 3, 2019
14 year old boy: "if only I had yanked just a little bit harder and faster, dad wouldn't be moving out of the house and in w/his secretary"
— MFD (@MideOFD) July 3, 2019
I mean, it sure helped me know what I was doing when I got Becky ON HER back… ?♀️ https://t.co/fTSEe6t2GR
— Amanda Deibert ?️? (@amandadeibert) July 3, 2019
A couple people pointed out that a teen girl masturbating might be a choice that prevents some of the stuff conservatives are so worried about, like pregnancy out of wedlock:
sex is purely for procreation. so they think. no one should enjoy it. not even married people. for people who insist “god’s design” is absolute they sure as fk don’t understand the biological purpose of sexual gratification.
— scarlet begonia (@reheatmycoffee) July 3, 2019
Counterpoint: Masturbation gives people pleasure and hurts no one, so it's good. https://t.co/9ZEDvERWSu
— Jeet Heer (@HeerJeet) July 3, 2019
I dunno. I’m pretty successful. https://t.co/vukZtw8Qzg
— Jennifer Gunter (@DrJenGunter) July 3, 2019
And there were a number of opportunities for puns:
I can't quite put my finger on why though.
— dylan (@dylanpayne88) July 3, 2019
You do have to hand it to them: conservatives really know how to bring liberals together and rally behind a cause they all believe in. Touching themselves.