Halloween is just around the corner, which means people will be playfully interacting with their neighbors all across the country. Unfortunately, in every neighborhood, there’s one horrible guy ruining it for everybody. At least this guy getting dragged on the subreddit r/ChoosingBeggars outed himself on Facebook before the big night.
The post is a long rant from a delusional man who thinks he’s gonna make Halloween better in his area with a long list of rules about what people should be giving away FOR FREE from their homes in response to “Trick or Treat.” He might just get the holiday canceled instead. He begins:
Halloween is officially 6 weeks away, and I was hoping to catch you all before you make your candy selections. Over the last three Halloweens, I’ve noticed my son’s candy stock has become more and more diluted with cheap candy. I don’t know if this trend is the result of the referendum high water bills, or even the construction, but cheap candy has somehow infiltrated our community for Halloween and it has to stop.
If you’re not sure what “bad candy” even is, he laid it out:
Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers may be suitable Northlake, Villa Park, and Addison, but not here in Elmhurst. We are an affluent neighborhood and this status should be reflected in our candy provisions for Halloween. Standard size candy is the bar (pun intended) we set for our community on Halloween. If you purchased the fun size, you don’t need to return them. Just keep in mind that 3-4 of those fun size bars equate to a standard size bar when you doll out that candy to trick or treaters.”
He then dragged the elderly for handing out pennies and said dark chocolate is only suitable for “certain individuals” when they’re on their “mensies.” This man’s poor, sad wife.
He concluded with a dire warning:
For those who do not want to take my advice, let it be known that this year, there are several of us parents patrolling and monitoring the candy distribution of houses in our neighborhood. We will be carrying around small cans of spray paint and marking the sidewalks in front of your house with a red dot in hopes of preventing others from experiencing the same ill fate and time wasted.
We will also be noting your address and creating/selling a color-coded map for the 2020 Halloween season (app projected to launch for the 2021 season). Once you’re marked and listed on the map, you might as well turn off the lights and stop celebrating Halloween!
Um, okay? I’d rather go out to a party then stay home and hand out full-sized candy bars to your snot-nosed kids who are probably growing up to be entitled jerks just like dad.
But wait. As with most things on the Internet that seems too crazy to be true, it is. Someone in the comments on Reddit insists that they’re a part of the Facebook group this post appeared in, and it was all a big joke:
Okay. Sure. We’ll see whose house is egged on November First.