Engagements and proposals can be pretty complicated when friends and family are involved. Sometimes, families want to be involved in every single aspect of a proposal and planning and it can get really obnoxious and overbearing.
Recently a Reddit user wrote into the “Am I The A—hole” sub asking if he was the jerk for not wanting to re-propose to his fiancé after his future father-in-law demanded it because he “never asked his permission to marry his daughter.” I know—what is this, 1801?
u/nohope4mee shared the story of how he proposed to his girlfriend of 5 years—and her father’s subsequent response.
So my girlfriend and I went to the beach last Thursday and on Friday night after a wonderful day of swimming and hanging out and enjoying our favorite beach, we went to our favorite restaurant and had a great meal.
When we were done eating, we walked onto a pier near the restaurant and watched as the sun set. The atmosphere was very romantic and we had been dating happily for nearly 5 years. Judging the moment to be perfect, I got down on one knee and proposed.
She said yes and was over the moon happy and excited and we didn’t even leave the pier for another two hours because she didn’t want the moment to end. She spent the rest of the weekend on cloud 9 and we finally pack up and go home. Here’s where the problem starts.
OP’s girlfriend decided to tell her parents about the couple’s engagement in person and even “made a cute card” about it. That’s when the trouble began.
She personally tried to call her parents on Friday night after it happened but it was bad timing for the parents to talk. After trying again Saturday she’s decided we’d tell them in person instead. So we waited for Sunday. We make a cute card for them to surprise them and give them it. Their reaction isn’t particularly enthusiastic but no big deal.
His fiancée’s father-in-law then demanded OP “redo the proposal” during a large family gathering.
At first we thought it went well on the whole, but then her father says “wait a minute you need to ask my permission before you propose. ” So he decides I need to redo the proposal at a large family get together next week and publicly ask “to talk to him” before doing so and then propose in front of her whole family. I wouldn’t mind that much, but this will basically erase our previous, perfect, real proposal with a fake proposal to suit his desires.
Now OP wants to know if he should just go along with the request in order to keep the peace, despite being “LIVID” (all caps!) that his future father-in-law ruined his engagement weekend.
Presently I am considering just going along with the request to keep things from getting escalated in a negative way and I’m positive if I just do what he wants he’ll leave it alone after that. But if I’m honest with myself, I am LIVID that he f*cked up our perfect engagement weekend for his personal preference and I’m not sure how to proceed without blowing up my relationship with her parents ( which has been pretty good up to this point). Suggestions are welcome. AITA?
There were pretty much on the side of the boyfriend. Some people wrote in to tell OP that he definitely wasn’t the a-hole and in fact, the father was the a-hole.
Others added that asking for permission is very outdated.
NTA, the dad is the a*hole, but for the sake of peace I would ask your fiancé. Does she want to stand her ground with you and keep your private proposal? Would she prefer you to do a public proposal? Whatever you decide, if you 2 are a united front then the family can’t do anything. –1_Justbreakup
what the f*ck are you actually considering doing a second “fake” proposal just to appease your future FILs ego? It’s such an outrageous and disturbing concept. If you do this you’ll forever be controlled by him. Set healthy boundaries now. You are both happy with the perfect proposal and that’s all that matters. You can apologise to him for not asking his permission but leave it at that. It’s like he wants to reenact everything to fulfill his own desires just so he can give you “permission” and that’s so f*cked up. Engagement is about your happiness as a couple only. –Kyrinaki
NTA, and in fact I’d call you a spineless idiot if you go ahead with this second proposal. You’re setting yourself up to be micromanaged by her parents. Nip it in the bud right now. –greg_r_
You proposed in the what was a special moment for the two of you. That’s what this should be about. Also, asking for the daughter’s hand in marriage from the father is outdated and sexist and refers to a time when women were literally considered property. –CaptainMalForever
Seems like the dad is making this about him. It’s pretty old fashioned to think like that. If his daughter is happy that is all that matters. –FaceWithAName
If you are happy and in love, what does anyone’s father have to do with anything? Eventually, you’ll have to make your own decisions and, some of these people are right—he’s setting himself up to let the parents micromanage their life. End it NOW, OP!