Imagine being all set to marry someone, someone you loved and trusted and thought you knew inside and out, only to find out that they have a deeply held belief that goes against everything you stand for. That’s exactly what happened to one man who recently asked on Reddit if he’d be an “a**hole” for canceling his wedding to a woman who didn’t want his son’s boyfriend to attend the ceremony.
The post, in the “Am I The A**Hole” subreddit, was written by someone using a throwaway account (throwaway-thewedding). The OP explained that his son had come out to him at 14 years of age and he’d always been supportive.
My son was born when I was only 15 years old, and I’ve been a single dad since I was 18. It was hard living for a long time money-wise but I always tried to do best by my son. Today I own my own gym and my son is now 22 and going to college and works at my gym full-time. He came out to me when he was 14 years old and I’ve always been supportive of him and his identity.
He went on to say that he’d been with his fiancée for about two years and while he knew she was religious, she never seemed bothered by the fact that OP’s son was gay. Turns out, she was worried about what her conservative family would think.
I’ve been with my fiancé now for about 2 years and while she does come from a very deep religious and conservative family, she has never had any issue with my son – at least nothing she has ever expressed to me. My son has been dating his boyfriend since he was 18 and I’ve gotten to know him really well. However my fiancé told me recently that she does not want my son’s boyfriend to come to the wedding nor does she want her parents to even get the inclination that my son is gay. That if they found out, they would have a complete fit.
OP wasn’t at all happy about this and told the fiancée that there’d be no wedding if his son’s boyfriend, whom he knew well, couldn’t be there.
This really bothered me because I refuse to ask my son to go back in the closet. What is going to happen in the future? When my son gets married himself? Will they want him and his husband barred from other family events? He’s my son and will be the best man and it would be unfair to deny him a plus one because her family has an issue with gay people. When I told her this, she got very angry with me and told me that I was being selfish and over-dramatic – that it would just be for this one day, that she wants the perfect wedding. I told her that this was unacceptable and that I was not going to ask my son not to bring his boyfriend. It’s my wedding too and I was his boyfriend there.
The fiancée seems to have dropped the issue, but now OP is wondering if this is even the right woman for him after all.
After that I got the silent treatment for a day and since then it hasn’t been discussed again. However, it has left an extremely bad taste in my mouth and has me contemplating calling the wedding off. I do not want to marry into a family that would potentially discriminate against my son. I love my fiance very much but my son will always come first. I told my brother and he said that I was being the asshole here – that it would just be for one day and that since my son is an adult, it’s unlikely that he would have that much interaction with his “step grandparents” in the future anyway. I still don’t feel comfortable about the entire situation and am really thinking about calling the wedding off. Would I be the asshole if I did this? Am I being unreasonable here?
Usually in these forums people do disagree about whether or not the OP is a jerk, but in this case, pretty much everyone was in agreement: he was definitely NOT an a**hole.
I’ve divorced and re-married and have always made it very clear that my kids that they – literally – came first. I say to them I love their step-dad but I loved them first. In short you are most definitely not the asshole.—marian1065
Holy cow NTA. You should also seriously reconsider marrying this person. Your son’s feelings take obvious priority of the feelings of your in laws, who aren’t even related to your son.—WitchWithDesignerBag
In fact, the sub’s moderator posted a graph of the votes of “Not the a**hole,” and the response really was overwhelmingly in OP’s favor.
A lot of people thought the fiancée was wrong to ask, and that her family sounded terrible. And that she just might not be so different from them.
I’d be willing to bet the fiancée is an asshole in waiting too. She probably tolerated op’s son in the past, but now that she’s got op locked down, her true colors will start showing, and she’ll start having issues with the son.—sambeano
This. How can she be ok with her parents’ bigotry? It hurts you, and someone you love, too.—Zillaplus2
Some people felt that if the bride’s parents had a problem with gay people, they could sit the wedding out instead.
Exactly. I mean, it’s just for one day that they have to pretend not to be intolerant arseholes—Amcnallyjnr
People also agreed that it wasn’t unreasonable for the OP to think about canceling the wedding.
Wholeheartedly THIS. OP and his son are not at fault here, and they shouldn’t face pressure to adjust who they are in order to appease the fiancée’s parents.
That being said, OP, maybe you should have a long hard think about the commitment you’re considering with this woman. It sounds like she might be less accepting and tolerant than she’s been letting on these last two years.
(Also, side note: You’ve only been with this woman for two years? Maybe cool the jets on getting married so quickly while you feel out this potentially toxic territory? Better now than five years from now.)—brandonhardyy
Not only that, but OP’s son has been with his boyfriend for four years. IMO that trumps the in-laws anyway because he’s been part of OP’s family twice as long as the in-laws! OP would definitely not be the asshole for putting a pause on moving forward.—awptimuspryme
A lot of commenters made the point that real Christians wouldn’t be homophobic.
Bull crap. My aunt and her husband are devout catholics, church every Sunday, etc. You know what they did when their son came out as gay…. Loved and accepted him, that’s what. Furthermore they took their son and his now husband in when they were going through a tough time (now sorted thankfully). Using religion as an excuse for bigotry is just that, an excuse. It’s a choice.—Nobbys_Elbow
Some people didn’t feel that the whole situation was so black and white.
Okay hey, so someone coming from the fiancee’s perspective here of a religious family.
It’s not about being okay with bigotry. I actually actively contradict my parents about this stuff whenever I can and heavily encourage them to be more tolerant, but religion is deeply ingrained in them and beliefs aren’t something so easily left.
If I brought a boyfriend to them? Yeah they probably would be mad as all hell. I can’t do much about it though that I haven’t already; I’m not going to cut ties with them over their beliefs, they’re my parents and I still love them.
So it’s really not so black and white with the fiancee being a blatant ass or something. She might genuinely be trying here, and having big personal issues coming to grips with this. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and try to talk through this more thoroughly.—RevolsinX
But others saw it as absolutely clear-cut.
How can you make a compromises concerning your childs sexual orientation? What good reason could there possibly be that you would discriminate against your own child?
I’m sorry, but this is black and white. Either he’s chosing his in-law’s personal convenience or his son’s freedom. There will be enough people giving this kid shit. His in-laws can chose, his son can’t.
Don’t do it, OP. Protect your child.—ilumyo
The choice over whether to invite the son’s boyfriend to the wedding is an easy one—the answer is a whole-hearted definitive yes. But should he end the relationship? What would your vote be?