Ted Cruz Grew A ‘Beard’ And Everyone Is Mocking How Pathetic It Is

Poor Ted Cruz is really going through some stuff right now. Sure, he technically “won” his Senate election, but he did so by an embarrassingly narrow margin. And he only eked out that victory by begging his former rival Donald Trump—the man who insulted his wife and accused his father of aiding the Kennedy assassination—to drag him limping across the finish line.

In another humiliating parallel to the 2016 GOP presidential primary, Cruz seemed to choke when confronted with a charismatic candidate. His flailing attacks—like knocking O’Rourke for such unforgivable sins as playing in a band—backfired spectacularly.

And in the final blow to whatever slimy smear of self-esteem Cruz had tucked away, O’Rourke’s impressive showing puts him closer to the presidency than Ted Cruz will ever be—he’s already considered a strong contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential primary.

All of these things might be why Cruz was spotted plaintively gazing at a picture of O’Rourke during the campaign.

And we could all forgive him for indulging in some pathetic mid-life crisis. We could, but we won’t.

After suffering what can only be described as a “humiliating victory,” Ted Cruz was spotted sporting a… “beard”? (If you can call it that? I don’t think I’d call it that.) And it’s, uh, it’s something.

Computer, ENHANCE!

Ok, this is not a beard, it’s some kind of lichen or fungus or mildew that’s found a home clinging to Cruz’s moist jowls. He doesn’t need a barber, he needs a botanist—and one that specializes in the kinds of damp growths that thrive underneath rocks.

Hopefully this is a signal that Cruz is living the best version of his pathetic existence because Twitter really ripped him a new one:











Cruz’s face fuzz even had some people (including his former college roommate) comparing him to an alien.