take a minute to appreciate what I just saw on the road. pic.twitter.com/jjHPs78VWe
— Zissou Intern? (@TheCrewDog96) June 15, 2019
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
— RM (@dorsalstream) June 16, 2019
protip: the best way to remember something is to keep it in an open tab forever
— Yuri Victor ? (@yurivictor) June 17, 2019
Me @ the scholastics book fair in elementary school wishing my mom sent me with more money pic.twitter.com/bXTgHVmS4s
— ditch witch (@vvitchymama) June 16, 2019
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me: you don’t remember me do you?
— Conajam (@conajam) June 14, 2019
Being the older sister is such a stressful thing like one minute I’m parenting then the next I’m helping my sister do shit she’s not supposed to be doin just because I want her to have fun & enjoy her youth
— J (@Juliana_serna04) June 17, 2019
Me: hurt me
Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows
Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 19, 2019
There are two kinds of people in this world: People who carry gum and people who always ask other people for gum.
— Krystie Lee Yandoli (@KrystieLYandoli) June 19, 2019
Me explaining to ⠀ ⠀ ⠀My cat
my cat that I ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀pretending
won’t tell anyone ⠀⠀ ⠀he cant speak
if he can speak pic.twitter.com/X7PHTuEXZ9
— . (@PabloPiqasso) June 17, 2019
Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he's my biological dog.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) June 19, 2019