Most parents are happy to brag about what beautiful baby geniuses their kids are, but hide the more ridiculous things the tiny monster they spawned gets up to when their backs are turned. Kids can’t help it—they’re stupid! They just don’t know stuff. They can barely work their own bodies. Let’s get real.
The parents of Reddit are willing to admit it, at least, responding with honesty to a prompt from user u/whitefoxrcm on r/AskReddit that reads, “Parents of Reddit what is your best ‘why is my kid so stupid’ moment?”
Based on the astonishing and hilarious responses, parenting is mostly trying to keep your kid from accidentally burning the house down because they don’t realize the curtains are flammable. Stupid kids.
Me waking into the bathroom to check on my 4 year old son having a bath:
“Why are you smashing your penis with that (toy) hammer?” —GFY_EH
My 12 year old daughter blamed a squirrel when we asked how the Borax for her slime projects moved from the garage to the kitchen counter. It’s so fulfilling to go from “I’m pretty sure you’re lying”, to “100% I know you’re lying” —zw12065
I’m amazed at how many times I’ve had to say “don’t lick that”. —Pm_me_what
I don’t have kids, but my nephews were over visiting for Thanksgiving. The youngest was 2.5. We have pet chinchillas and we showed him that if he offered the chinchillas an apple wood stick, the chinchilla would take it from him and start gnawing on it.
Well obviously, this was great fun so he started giving the chinchillas dozens of sticks (which I’m sure they loved him for — no harm no foul by the way, it’s not like it’s unhealthy for them. It was just getting excessive).
At some point his grandpa said “Enough” and teasingly “For every stick you give them you have to eat one too”
My older brother carved my name into the side of my mums car with a rock for whatever reason and tried to blame it on me I was like 4 years old and couldn’t write yet. —PiBBzYx
My daughter insists wearing a jacket will make her cold because she only wears it when she is cold.—ellemenopeaqu
My son, who was 8 at the time, and an only child, carved his very long name into the toilet seat. Then claimed he didn’t do it. Lol. —Purdygreen
My toddler watched at least an hour of an animated movie populated entirely by talking animals. Suddenly, a giraffe came onscreen and said something. My kid stood up, pointed at the TV, and angrily yelled, “What?! Giraffes can’t talk!” —the-magnific*nt
Our daughter. When asked what she wanted to be when she grows up answered: “I want to be a strawberry, but if that’s too hard I want to be purple”… The color purple. The fruit strawberry. She was five. —RainbowUnicornLeader
My son has microwaved ramen noodles with no water A FEW TIMES. Just so you know, they are flammable and smoke horribly and turn your microwave an awful yellow color.—ZooBitch
“Hey mommy, wanna see a trick?”
“Sure honey, show me a trick.”
Kid runs around in circles to build up momentum, very deliberately crashes head first into the wall then falls down and starts crying.
“…good trick, sweetie.” —LJGHunter
My son, at age 10…
I was trying to figure out why my shower was draining so slowly and wound up pulling the drain strainer out. Inside I found a bunch of brown paper goop. It took me a while to figure out what it was. I went to my son and asked him:
“Did you tear up a toilet paper tube into little pieces and cram those pieces down the drain in the shower?”
“Ok. (*brain fries*) How about not?”
When a sudden rainstorm hit our campsite, my 11 year old rescued a full water bucket from the rain and put it under the canopy to keep it dry. —gud_spelller
When I caught him peeing in the doorway of his room at the age of 5. His reason? ” Cause I don’t want the kitty coming into my room.” —Mr_Frible
I was that kid. My parents took my siblings and I to a greenhouse garden; everyone was on their best behavior until I got the sudden urge to lick some foamy stuff off of a window. I was always a good kid, never caused any trouble but for whatever reason I had this compulsion to lick this foamy stuff off the window. Poison control had to be called, my parents were frantic, it was an ordeal. I was anaphylactic to milk at the time too, and I was definitely old enough to know better. —PeepDragon44
My 4 yo son just the other day spilled his water bottle on the floor. I told him to get paper towels to wipe it up. He does. Then I told him to throw the towels in the trash. He wrings them back out onto the floor before he throws them in the trash. —Jenkem_of_the_Masses
One time my Mom asked me what color my eyes were so I started looking around trying to see them. —Blanchdog
When my sister was 18 she was planning a trip to California after HS graduation. She spent several days calling banks to get the exchange rate for money because somehow she was absolutely convinced that regular US currency in Pennsylvania was not usable in California. She thought the banks were all lying to her that it was the same money. I am surprised she even FOUND California! —PearENormal
If I can be the kid who made my parents ask this question: I walked into a wall when I was five because I was walking around looking through binoculars backwards. Got these two massive ring bruises around my eyes. —unnaturalorder
When the Axe challenge was a thing. Apparently, you spray Axe over the front of your shirt, light it on fire, then take the shirt off. I think that’s it. Anyway, this genius gets his arm stuck or something as he pulled the shirt off inside out so, of course, the fire is now burning his face. He gets it off with the help of his friends and gets taken to the hospital with 2nd degree burns by his friend’s mother because he was staying over. That was a fun phone call to get at 3am. “Dad, I’m okay but I had an accident and Karen has taken me to the hospital to get treated. I told her it wasn’t a big deal but she made me call”. —count_frightenstein
When I heard my wife say to my then three-year-old son, “[Name], please stop sniffing all the cars.”
We were walking through a parking lot.—prophetcat
I was at my sisters for thanksgiving and my niece who is 5 went to feed the dog she was out of eye sight for maybe two min when my sister yells “stop eating the dog food!” and you can hear my niece drop the bowl out of fright because she got caught. My sister never got off the couch and I laughed about it for like 10min straight. —Pencilowner
When I was 11 we were at a park that had one of those swirly slides that is kind of like a tunnel. Well, I wanted to act like a mountain climber and tie a rope around myself and jump down the slide to climb back up.
“What was the best spot to tie the rope?”, I asked myself. The neck. Good location to easily grab the rope and pull myself back up, plus convenient tying spot. My parents ran to me yelling and stopped me mid knot, tying a rope around my neck to jump down a slide… In retrospect, I’m a dumbass. —ooolay
As a kid I would always try to touch hot things (like the stove or the clothes iron) even after my mom warned me. She eventually figured “fuck it, she can touch it, burn herself and learn her lesson.” Well, I did not learn the first time, or the second time, or the third time.
Honestly my mother lost count on how many times I actually burned myself. She started guarding me again (since I was clearly too dumb to learn from my mistakes) so I got smarter about how to get around her. I couldn’t make the connection of “careful it’s hot=it will hurt like hell=don’t touch it but I could make the connection of do it quickly/pretend like you listened=you’ll be able to touch it. —caneeed
When my daughter was around 5 years old, i told her to start putting her toys away. She told me she couldnt because she didnt have any hands….while showing me her hands. —Rosie_skies
Lose debit card. Go through painful renewal process. Finally arrives in the mail. Kid asks can I see it? He takes it and bends it in half.—Naniwayuri
My son came home one afternoon from school with one shoe.
Me: What happened to your other shoe?
Son: I lost it.
M: What? What do you mean you lost it?
S: I lost it. I don’t know where it is.
M: So, uh, when did you lose your shoe?
S: At lunch.
M: So you’ve been walking around all afternoon with only one shoe?
M: *begins to understand why hamsters eat their young* —churplaf