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The New 007 Is A Black Woman And Whiny Conservatives Are Triggered

It’s hard to imagine having such a wealth of characters and heroes that look like you, that share your race and gender, as white cis men have. Like, 95% of classic action heroes in all of film and television are white cis men.

There are so many to pick and choose from when they need inspiration! And yet, they can’t even let one go for the duration of a single film. White men are losing their damn minds over James Bond. Again.

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A few years ago, there was a campaign to get Idris Elba cast as the next James Bond after Daniel Craig, and it faced a massive racist backlash online, which Elba called “disappointing.”

Well, the producers of the next James Bond movie decided to go one step further and really incense both the racists and the misogynists: they’ve cast Lashana Lynch as the next 007 in the series.

Lynch most recently appeared in Captain Marvel as Brie Larson’s hot shot pilot bestie. The Daily Mail on Sunday reported that an insider has revealed that in the next film, co-written by dynamo Phoebe Waller-Bridge, the iconic number has been passed onto Lynch’s character.

To be clear, she is not James Bond or JANE Bond. She’s just “Agent 007” and Daniel Craig will still appear in the film. But most of the people freaking out aren’t making the distinction:

If they are, they’re trying to argue that the books imply no one else can be 007 except Bond, even though it’s a number, not a name:

Though some of them don’t seem as familiar with the series as their rage implies:

Though the backlash isn’t unexpected, it’s still pretty pathetic. And at its root is the fear that one of their millions of swashbuckling heroes is going to be taken away from them, as conservative pundit Ben Shapiro nakedly admitted:

At first, Shapiro complains about the trope of a smaller woman defeating a large man in a fight, saying it’s essentially impossible.

“Daniel Craig is ripped beyond belief and he can beat the crap out of anyone so that’s plausible,” Shapiro adds. Yes, nothing more real than Craig doing parkour on a crane.

“The other aspect is Bond is about the guns and the girls,” he continues. “When it comes to seduction, there is a very different between men and women…let’s assume she is bedding the most handsome men. That is not in any way a wish-fulfillment fantasy for men who watch the Bond films.”

Hmm, I dunno, there are probably a fair number of men who would enjoy watching a beautiful woman have sex with a handsome guy. Not even trying to be gross, it’s just true!

But in Shapiro’s opinion, James Bond had a challenge when he was seeking out sexual conquests, but for a woman to seduce a man there’s no challenge at all, and thus the film will be booooorrrring. He’s right. When Bond tried to seduce a woman named Pussy Galore, it was a true long shot.

Men, you’ve had many of your “wish-fulfillment fantasies” up on the big screen. Let someone else take a turn imagining they’re an ass-kicking spy who gets all the action. They’ve waited long enough.