Working sucks and one of the few things you can do to escape the grind is to take a nice long break in the bathroom. This is known by both every employee and every employer. There are companies that try to control how frequently and for how long employees use the bathroom like it’s some sort of totalitarian regime coughcoughAmazoncoughcough, but the laws of common decency still mostly hold in American workplaces. People go to the bathroom, and if it seems like they’re taking extra long in there to scroll through Twitter, well, no one will ask about it.
So, of course, someone came up with a way to ruin toilets. A start-up company called StandardToilet has created a john of the same name, and is being supported by the British Toilet Association, which is a group that campaigns for “better bathroom facilities in offices and public spaces,” according to the Daily Mail.
If that’s true, it’s a bit confusing why they want the StandardToilet out there, because the seat is deliberately tilted 13 degrees to make it uncomfortable to sit on for an extended period of time.
BREAKING NEWS: Say goodbye to comfort breaks! New downward-tilting toilets are designed to become unbearable to sit on after five minutes. They say the main benefit is to employees in improved employee productivity. pic.twitter.com/lfDbeXJdCX— Dave Vescio (@DaveVescio) December 17, 2019
Company founder Mahabir Gill said the torture toilet has already received interest from the public and private sector in the UK, because it’s seen a big money-saver.
“It is estimated that in the United Kingdom alone, extended employee breaks costs industry and commerce an £4 billion per annum,” said Gill. “With the advent of flexible zero-hour contracts, it is easy to see why our StandardToilet can be an asset to a business.”
They’re also trying to sell the toilet as having health benefits for your posture and butt.
“Medical studies have suggested that using the traditional WC can cause swollen hemorrhoids and weakening of pelvic muscles,” he said. “The StandardToilet provides Increased comfort through promoting the engagement of upper and lower leg muscles which helps reduce musculo-skeletan disorders.”
If you’re sitting on the toilet long enough every day to lose muscle in your upper legs, that is a problem, but it’s more likely they’re losing muscle from sitting in a chair in front of a computer, holding in their piss so their health insurance doesn’t get taken away.
The new toilet is such a horrible idea, and many people recognized just how horrible immediately:
imagine making a toilet less comfortable to increase productivity when you could just integrate a toilet into your employee's posting station so that they could continue generating content while they defecated https://t.co/lHJj53eL63— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) December 17, 2019
Just so we’re clear:— Matthew Cortland, Esq. (@mattbc) December 18, 2019
if any U.S. company adopts this torture device from the U.K., they should expect to be successfully sued for violating 42 U.S.C. § 12101, et seq
~ a lawyer with Crohn’s disease https://t.co/HkQgVuk673
We've reached the point where people are trying to stop employees from shitting properly https://t.co/PGUnG7Esob— Pixelbuster ❄️ (@Nitomatta) December 17, 2019
>Suffer from violent constipation due to medical condition— Seqi (@seqilol) December 17, 2019
>Run to the bathroom during my lunch break to poop
>Trying my hardest to squeeze it out
>5 mins pass
>sirens wail throughout the office
>"SERIAL SHITTER ALERT"
>seat catapults me back into my cubical
>get back to work https://t.co/j6lDjbndg3
5 minutes caused leg strain? Bet, sitting in there for an hour and coming out with shredded legs to kick the shit out of whoever pitched this one. https://t.co/LUHZ8rAUWo— 🎅 JollyFingers ☃️ (@CrzyFingers) December 18, 2019
wouldn't it be funny if we just all showed up to work with crowbars and hammers https://t.co/uVOBYUwjmA— DAIROCKETTO (@DAIROCKETTO) December 17, 2019
what stage of capitalism is this https://t.co/eLtyI6qQvS— eula (@euhhlala) December 18, 2019
Just shit on the floor then. https://t.co/PpLtSuyajm— Thought Santa (@ThoughtSlime) December 17, 2019
i love how the whole point is to make the lives of employees even worse by making it so they cant even take a shit comfortably and these motherfuckers STILL have the fucking gall to say "the main benefit is to employees" eat shit why dont you https://t.co/9IdIhOBd88— wally the flying purple people eater (@FluffyHeretic) December 17, 2019
taking 5mins & 10secs to shit, slowly sliding off while crying "nononONONONOO", falling to the floor with my pants tangled around my legs, thus triggering the tile sensors, setting off the Time Theft Sirens & being sprayed with ghost pepper infused punishment foam https://t.co/dnGgyhIstM— Jake Paul Sartre (@PissJugTycoon) December 17, 2019
So did they just say fuck you to people with Crohns, Colitis, IBS, and people on their period? https://t.co/ngdh7xrfEx— Scream of The Butterfly (@odetomedusa) December 17, 2019
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.— Zac Echola (@celiasojourn) December 17, 2019
That's why I shit on company time.
Boss buys a toilet with a slight slant,
I take a shit in the office's plants. https://t.co/ZHuweseben
I hope the engineers who designed these are forced to shit on them exclusively for the rest of their lives https://t.co/8LD5UinEMA— Eva ''Buff Girlfriend'' (@ayyy_vuh) December 17, 2019
Touching people’s toilet time is asking for revolt. We all deserve a peaceful poop break.