Stoned Thief Breaks Into Zoo, Gets Beaten Up By Tiny Little Monkeys

An inebriated New Zealand man recently broke into a zoo and tried to steal a monkey. It turned out it was a poorly thought-out plan as the tiny monkeys proceeded to kick his @ss.

According to VICE a 23-year-old man named John, who admitted he was “high as a kite” at the time, thought he’d simply sneak into the Wellington Zoo and steal a squirrel monkey for this girlfriend, which is probably quite romantic if your kink is animal trafficking.

To reach his prize the man “bypassed an unsecured gate, broke through two padlocks and entered the monkey enclosure.” But it seems the monkeys didn’t go quietly when the large bumbling hominid tried to shoplift them like keychains and fought back to devastating effect.

As their name implies, squirrel monkeys are very small measuring roughly 9 to 13 inches long without their tails and weighing in at between 26 and 39 ounces. Nevertheless it seems they overcame the weight disadvantage and comprehensively wrecked their would-be abductor with their tiny fists and claws.

John was found the next day with a host of injuries.

According to VICE:

“I don’t know what happened in the squirrel monkey enclosure,” said Wellington District Court judge Bill Hastings during John’s sentencing last week. “The squirrel monkeys know. You say you couldn’t find them and I don’t speak squirrel [monkey].

“What I know is that by daybreak all the monkeys were distressed, two of them were injured, and you had a broken leg, two fractured teeth, a sprained ankle, and bruises on your back.”

It’s unclear exactly what went down in the Thunderdome, er monkey enclosure, but the home team (Team Monkey) clearly got the win, and John clearly got his no-tail-having-tuckis handed to him. According to Wikipedia female squirrel monkeys have “pseudo-penises” which they “use to display dominance over smaller monkeys” so maybe they beat him up with those. The monkey-snatcher claimed he broke his leg while scaling the zoo’s fence but we all know one of the larger monkeys likely took him out with a heavy stick or a (forgive me) monkey wrench.

According to the New Zealand Herald some of the monkeys displayed bruises and scratches indicative of being grabbed, though John clearly came out of the encounter worse.

Lest you think a perfectly well-adjusted individual just had a sudden urge to steal a monkey that’s not quite the case here.

It seems the man had already been on quite a crime spree and was wanted by police for a series of crimes, as detailed by the New Zealand Herald: 

He had pleaded guilty to a number of incidents, including an unprovoked assault on a man waiting in his car at traffic lights, an alcohol-fuelled attack at a dairy in Westport, and assaults on a Wellington City Council community safety officer and a night shelter resident who refused to hand over cigarettes.

For this slew of offenses, plus his attempted monkey abduction, the would-be thief was sentenced to two years and seven months in jail.

Now here’s a video of how these cool little guys live when humans aren’t actively stepping to them and trying to stuff them into their fanny packs.

h/t: Vice