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Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz Accuses Democratic Opponent Of Changing His Name To Get Votes

It’s officially midterm election season and everyone’s favorite slimy blobfish, Ted Cruz, is up for re-election. Cruz, not known for his charisma, sense of humor, or ability to do impressions, is nonetheless attempting to do his best Donald Trump.

Texas held primaries for the 2018 election last night and Beto O’Rourke won the Democratic nomination and a chance to unseat smirking flesh puddle Ted Cruz.

In case you’re wondering about his weird name, O’Rourke was born “Robert O’Rourke,” but he grew up in a heavily hispanic town where everyone called him “Beto” so it stuck. (I’m guessing “Beto” is somehow short for “Roberto,” but I have no idea.)

A fearful Cruz came out of the gate swinging with a, uh, radio jingle about his opponent’s nickname?

The lyrics go like this:

I remember reading stories Liberal Robert wanted to fit in,
So he changed his name to Beto and hid it with a grin.
Beto wants those open borders and he wants to take our guns.
Not a chance on earth he’ll get a vote from millions of Texans.
If you’re going to run in Texas you can’t be a liberal man.

Cruz is essentially accusing O’Rourke of adopting a hispanic-sounding nickname to appeal to hispanic voters. Charming.

First of all, these lyrics are so bad I wouldn’t be surprised if Cruz wrote them himself (ugh, rhyming “guns” with “Texans” is the Ted Cruz of rhymes). Secondly, note the “Liberal Robert” as Cruz tries to channel his frenemy, Donald Trump.

Finally, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but Cruz’s full name is not “Ted Cruz,” it’s not even “Edward Cruz,” it’s “Rafael Edward Cruz,” which makes attacking someone for their nickname a pretty weird strategy!

When confronted with this VERY OBVIOUS flaw in his plan, Ted Cruz’s lame defense was that it’s all just a joke:

“In terms of the jingle, some of it is just having a sense of humor,” Cruz said, as though he were familiar with such a thing. The point, Rafael Eddie Cruz went on to say, is that Beto O’Rourke is a big ol’ liberal and you just can’t be liberal in Texas. I guess we all kinda got distracted from that message by Cruz opening the song with a line about O’Rourke’s nickname.

After Cruz was humiliated on cable news for the pathetic stunt, O’Rourke responded with a mic drop picture of himself as a child wearing a shirt emblazoned with “Beto”:

You know he had to do it to ‘em.

Now, Cruz might be as hapless and stupid as he seems, but this could also be part of a more insidious attempt to paint O’Rourke as someone who’s so desperate to appeal to hispanic voters that he’ll change his own name and just IMAGINE what he might do with our laws! It’s the “Barack HUSSEIN Obama” of campaign jingles.

If that’s what he’s going for, the racism, brazen hypocrisy, and reality distortion are as Trumpian as the nickname Lyin’ Ted gave his opponent in the opening line. Unfortunately, in order for something like this to work you’ve really gotta commit to the lie. You can’t just wave your hands and claim it was a gag when you get shamed for it.

I mean, did Donald Trump say “it was all a joke” when he repeatedly accused Cruz of being an illegal immigrant from Canada? Was he just “having a laugh” when he implied Ted Cruz’s dad helped kill JFK? And what about when he accused Cruz of sleeping with multiple prostitutes? Or called his wife ugly? Did he even apologize later? Of course not!

If you thought Ted Cruz had given up his last scrap of dignity by kissing the ass of the man who called his wife ugly and his father an assassin, you might be right! But this election’s just getting started, and I’m guessing there’s still plenty of humiliation to come.