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Conservatives Are Drinking From Plastic Straws To ‘Own The Libs’

Over the last year, conservatives have done a hell of a job adopting Twitter as a means of going above and beyond their call of anti-liberal duty. They destroyed their Keurigs in solidarity with pedophile Roy Moore. They donned diapers and sucked on pacifiers. They (Stephen Miller) threw $80 worth of takeout sushi into a trash can. The latest enterprise intended to rile up snowflake leftists consists of…using plastic straws.

The social media movement — spearheaded largely by conservative women with far too much free time on their plastic-straw-gripping-hands — is a direct response to the flood of American companies who recently banned plastic straw use in the name of environmental conservation.

The far right sees this as yet another example of Big Government run amok. The impetus for this outrage seems to be this Daily Caller post titled “NO JOKE: DRINKING STRAWS COULD LAND YOU IN PRISON,” the introduction of which reads, “Liberals are ruining everything — even drinking straws.”

So conservatives retaliated…by…uhhh…posting pictures of themselves  on Twitter sipping refreshing beverages through straws. It makes sense! No, it does!!!

One of the first to do so was “political activist” Alana Mastrangelo, who captioned her hella rebellious selfie “Hey, GOVERNMENT, you can’t take my AR-15, so what makes you think you can take my plastic straw? I don’t need your permission, you are subordinate to me, and that’s the world you’re stuck living in.”

Tell ’em, bad girl!

This tweet was just one in a series. Another Mastrangelo original included a short video clip of the plastic-straw-crusader clutching a handful of the beloved drinking implements and smiling provocatively at the camera.

2A MAGA chicks on Twitter perpetuated this trend, posting plastic straw selfies of their own in a valiant effort to troll them libs.

Former Pussycat Doll turned second amendment provocateur Kaya Jones took up the plastic straw mantle with exceptional excitement, and has not taken a break from posting videos of herself sipping on beverages for nearly a week now.

There’s also something in the conservative right “libtard snowflake” canon about liberals being triggered by bikinis (???), but I’m too exhausted to Google its origins. More likely, the alt-right has figure out and subsequently coopted thirst-trapping, clearly ignorant of the fact that scapegoating liberals for your own horniness is just poor sportsmanship.

To be clear: Critics of the straw ban are not so much doubtful of its positive environmental impact as they are upset about “liberal elites” telling them they can’t do something. Welcome to the latest example of partisan warfare in America. We’re all doomed ¯\_()_/¯.