Today was a truly historic day for America. Nancy Pelosi became the first House Speaker in over half a century to retake the gavel after losing it, ushering in a new Democratic majority that’s younger, more diverse, and more liberal than ever before. Cable news offered wall-to-wall coverage of the swearing-in ceremony as well as Pelosi’s historic return as the first female Speaker in our country’s history.
THIS is what it is all for. THIS. pic.twitter.com/M31lCwY3MO— Leah McElrath 🏳️🌈 (@leahmcelrath) January 3, 2019
Naturally, none of this sat well with Trump. To counter the media’s brief preoccupation with someone who is not Donald Trump, he tweeted a racist, fear-mongering video about the imagined “crisis” at the border and posted a delusional (and nonsensical) Game of Thrones meme to Instagram.
Trump just posted this to his official Instagram account. pic.twitter.com/3pCWpi6qf0— Caroline Orr (@RVAwonk) January 3, 2019
Ah yes, that famous thing everyone says about the wall on Game of Thrones https://t.co/sBO4M7tzTH— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 3, 2019
Then he reclaimed the media’s attention by staging a surprise stunt visit to the press briefing room where he did not take questions and barely even made a statement. Instead, he introduced a series of men, each one balder than the next, who extolled the president’s commitment to keeping the government shut down over his border wall.
“I’m gonna have them introduce themselves right now and also say a few words about the wall, about—you can call it a barrier, you can call it whatever you want—but essentially we need protection in our country. We’re gonna make it good, the people of our country want it,” Trump said.
Trump congratulates Pelosi, then introduces a group of bald guys he describes as "people that have been extremely supportive of what we're doing on the border."— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) January 3, 2019
"I have never had so much support as I have in the last week over my stance for border security," Trump says. pic.twitter.com/sKQD54Ed9x
Then, immediately after Democrats took over one house of Congress, Trump assured everyone that he’s not playing a weak hand—in fact, his hand has never been stronger!
“I have never had so much support as I have in the last week over my stance for border security, for border control, and for frankly the wall or the barrier. I have never had anything like it in terms of calls coming in in terms of people writing in and tweeting, and doing whatever they have to do. I’ve never had this much support and we’ve done some things that as you know have been very popular.”
The majority of Americans oppose Trump’s border wall, according to a recent poll.
The men spread the same lies about immigrants that Trump does, calling them criminals and saying that, despite the fact the border is more secure than ever, they still need the walllllllllllllllll. National Border Patrol Council President Brandon Judd kicked things off, letting everyone know that “walls = good.”
Trump introduces National Border Patrol Council President Brandon Judd, who cuts a promo in support of a border wall pic.twitter.com/BdmHj1DtFv— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) January 3, 2019
Judd also claimed, with absolutely no evidence, that unpaid federal employees definitely support the government shutdown. In reality, 71% of federal workers oppose the shutdown. (Also the National Border Patrol Council is a union for border patrol agents—and apparently not a very good one—it’s not an official government agency or anything.)
Trump and the four other stooges then bolted without taking questions. While I cannot confirm this, I imagine the four bald goons tried to exit through the doorway at the same time, resulting in their heads knocking together and making a series of percussive hollow coconut sounds.
The pathetic optics of Trump, flanked by four scowling bald guys, begging for his border wall got quite the response on Twitter.
Why were there four dudes who look like penises lined up behind the press secretary pic.twitter.com/SJhkRAcQnq— erin "gavel liker" ryan (@morninggloria) January 3, 2019
"I'm appointing these men to put their heads together and make asses out of themselves." pic.twitter.com/jaW88un2zx— Jocelyn Plums (@ColoradoUgly) January 4, 2019
Two wildly different visions of America pic.twitter.com/6uCXc65zkY— Adam Blickstein (@AdamBlickstein) January 3, 2019
So, he's going all in on the Skinhead theme, huh? pic.twitter.com/uXTCBzwjj6— Dennis DiClaudio (@dennisdiclaudio) January 4, 2019
I spend all this time worrying about whether I'm smart enough while these guys look in the mirror ever day and think, "yeah, we're the master race" pic.twitter.com/9qdMNFWuZ8— Andrew Ti (@ANDREWTI) January 3, 2019
When your cloning machine accidentally makes copies of the real you pic.twitter.com/8hMcwJNwdX— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 3, 2019
So weird to see the blue man group out of costume pic.twitter.com/E4Uq3MTwaH— Zach Broussard (@ZachBroussard) January 3, 2019
Pitiful mortal Donald Trump is so insecure about his hair that he needs to surround himself with bald sociopaths at all times. pic.twitter.com/2Ik5uJW2lX— God 🌈 (@TheGoodGodAbove) January 3, 2019
There are more completely bald men on stage with Trump than women in his cabinet. pic.twitter.com/ugAgxcgLv0— Stephanie Carvin (@StephanieCarvin) January 3, 2019
Uatu and the other Watchers appear at times of great crisis but are forbidden to intervene pic.twitter.com/Ne42QVSizk— Alan Scherstuhl (@studiesincrap) January 3, 2019
Wow, one more fake feeble “press conference” like this and Nancy Pelosi will have no excuse but to fork over the money for the wall.
That folks, is the art of the deal.