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Trump Held A Fake Press Conference With An All Bald Goon Squad Because He Was Jealous Of Nancy Pelosi

Today was a truly historic day for America. Nancy Pelosi became the first House Speaker in over half a century to retake the gavel after losing it, ushering in a new Democratic majority that’s younger, more diverse, and more liberal than ever before. Cable news offered wall-to-wall coverage of the swearing-in ceremony as well as Pelosi’s historic return as the first female Speaker in our country’s history.

Naturally, none of this sat well with Trump. To counter the media’s brief preoccupation with someone who is not Donald Trump, he tweeted a racist, fear-mongering video about the imagined “crisis” at the border and posted a delusional (and nonsensical) Game of Thrones meme to Instagram.

Then he reclaimed the media’s attention by staging a surprise stunt visit to the press briefing room where he did not take questions and barely even made a statement. Instead, he introduced a series of men, each one balder than the next, who extolled the president’s commitment to keeping the government shut down over his border wall.

“I’m gonna have them introduce themselves right now and also say a few words about the wall, about—you can call it a barrier, you can call it whatever you want—but essentially we need protection in our country. We’re gonna make it good, the people of our country want it,” Trump said.

Then, immediately after Democrats took over one house of Congress, Trump assured everyone that he’s not playing a weak hand—in fact, his hand has never been stronger!

“I have never had so much support as I have in the last week over my stance for border security, for border control, and for frankly the wall or the barrier. I have never had anything like it in terms of calls coming in in terms of people writing in and tweeting, and doing whatever they have to do. I’ve never had this much support and we’ve done some things that as you know have been very popular.”

The majority of Americans oppose Trump’s border wall, according to a recent poll.

The men spread the same lies about immigrants that Trump does, calling them criminals and saying that, despite the fact the border is more secure than ever, they still need the walllllllllllllllll. National Border Patrol Council President Brandon Judd kicked things off, letting everyone know that “walls = good.”

Judd also claimed, with absolutely no evidence, that unpaid federal employees definitely support the government shutdown. In reality, 71% of federal workers oppose the shutdown. (Also the National Border Patrol Council is a union for border patrol agents—and apparently not a very good one—it’s not an official government agency or anything.)

Trump and the four other stooges then bolted without taking questions. While I cannot confirm this, I imagine the four bald goons tried to exit through the doorway at the same time, resulting in their heads knocking together and making a series of percussive hollow coconut sounds.

The pathetic optics of Trump, flanked by four scowling bald guys, begging for his border wall got quite the response on Twitter.

Wow, one more fake feeble “press conference” like this and Nancy Pelosi will have no excuse but to fork over the money for the wall.

That folks, is the art of the deal.