Trump Fans In D.C. Are Whining That No One Wants To Date Them

Having been a single twenty-something in Washington, D.C., I know it’s a tough place for singles. People have demanding jobs, they’re fiercely protective of their reputations and don’t always share a lot in dating profiles, and the metro system shuts down at midnight on weekdays, which is just a pain in general. Unfortunately for Trump conservatives, things are even tougher.

It turns out if you’re a single conservative trying to get a date in Washington, D.C., where a whopping 4% of the population voted for Trump, things can be a little tricky.

According to a recent report by Washingtonian, MAGA losers are complaining about getting left swipes from lefties.

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“A lot of times you’ll connect with someone [on an app] and they’ll Google you, find out you worked for Trump’s campaign, and then it’s pretty much all downhill from there,” one whined.

Whoa, it’s almost like women want to date people who actually respect them! (Also, sorry bro, but “all downhill from there” is a strong contender for the title of Trump’s presidential biography.)

Things are even tough for the non-Trump conservatives. See if you can pinpoint the moment this young Republican’s date went wrong:

He once brought a woman back to his place, and while checking out his bookshelf, she noticed some books by conservative thinkers, he says. “She was like, ‘Oh no. First question: Did you vote for Trump?’,” the reporter says. He told her no, but that he was conservative. “She was like ‘I have to get out of here. I can’t see you,’ and left.”

I know, it’s shocking: a conservative with more than one book. While this might seem unfair to those who think only Trump supporters should be excluded from the dating pool, conservatism gave us Trump, conservatives are supporting him, and conservative lawmakers are doing a piss poor job of Congressional oversight. If you’re a hill staffer working to advance the president’s legislative agenda, you’re on his team! You can’t separate Trump and conservatism.

The whole phenomenon seems to be depressing single GOP men in D.C., who are suddenly very much not ok with people making snap judgments based on appearance:

“I feel like they look at me and are like, here’s a tall white dude with brown hair wearing loafers, and he probably has a picture of Reagan and the NRA in his bedroom or something,” says one of the reporters from the conservative media company. “I just think they have a very hyperbolic view of what a conservative is.”

Ok, that’s just ridiculous, no one thinks you have a picture of the NRA in your bedroom, they just know you and the NRA are tacit partners in the ongoing effort to whip up a populist frenzy among white people fearful of broader cultural changes in order to keep your grip on power! That’s all!
Plus, if the best way you can describe yourself is “tall white dude with brown hair and loafers,” then maybe the problem is your personality, not your politics. You can’t swing an NPR tote bag in D.C. without hitting “a tall white dude with brown hair and loafers,” trust me.

Aside from the loafers and the bedside photo of the Gipper they kiss every night, how else can you tell if a potential right swipee is a Trump fan? One woman cited “photos of US flag paraphernalia, hunting gear, or fratty beach parties as turn-offs.” I’d add pictures of guys on boats, shirtless pics, and anyone wearing a visor to that list.

One D.C. woman’s hilarious story of a date with a GOP guy is unintentionally revealing about the gap between the parties:

When she first moved to DC, a former Obama White House staffer who now works at the Aspen Institute was set up on a date with a Republican who worked on Capitol Hill. “We had a really nice time, but at the end of the date, he told me he didn’t believe in global warming,” she says. “I started laughing, because I’m from Colorado and didn’t realize people actually didn’t believe in global warming. But he was serious.”

They didn’t go out again.

Honestly, that makes sense! How are you supposed to form a lasting bond with someone whose relationship status with reality is “it’s complicated”? Shared values are an important part of a strong relationship, but a shared sense of objective truth is what makes the world go ‘round. Conservatives flat-out don’t think climate change is an issue. They also cling to the superstition that cutting taxes for wealthy people is always a great idea and will shower money on the middle and lower classes.

But horrible Trump fans should hold on to hope. After all, with the feverish pace of personnel turnover at the White House, there’s bound to be fresh meat from “the best people” cycling into the D.C. dating pool at any moment. And if that’s not good enough, they can always try the Trump dating website.