“The war on Christmas is a global struggle,” Carlson somberly said to intro the Tuesday night segment. “In the parliament of Scotland–they have a national parliament–the coffee shop has stopped selling gingerbread men. Why? Gender specific. They’re not called gingerbread people, you don’t want to give them a gender without their consent.”
Carlson tagged in Fox News contributor Tammy Bruce to discuss the obviously very important subject of cookie genitals.
Tammy Bruce says cookies have a gender and "obviously they're men" pic.twitter.com/n7NWEzQrJc— Madeline (@peltzmadeline) December 19, 2018
Bruce, you might remember, once bravely slimed an autistic child who requested an apology from Mike Pence after the Vice President accidentally dinged him in the face, so you know she’s got kids’ best interests at heart.
“The left has worked now for a couple of generations to condition us to, ahead of time, worry about what we’re going to say,” Bruce said. (This is actually true, we on the left would like people to think before they speak. If Carlson had heeded that advice he might not be forced to fill ad slots with the MyPillow guy, but whatever.)
Bruce went on to laud the backlash against the “gingerbread person” kerfuffle, suggesting that the “smallest thing” can be a “tipping point” for people. (It’s unclear what they’re being “tipped” towards, but presumably it’s something about waking up to the horrors of liberalism.) “In this case, it’s, you know, calling gingerbread men a gingerbread person when obviously, they’re men,” Bruce said.
Obviously, they’re COOKIES! Just like obviously Santa Claus isn’t real and therefore does not have a defined race, but the ‘War on Christmas’—along with the rest of the culture war—is largely fought in the imaginations of paranoid conservatives.
1. Twitter had a lot to say about the cookie gender crisis, including slamming Carlson’s questionable priorities:
CNN: Michael Flynn...— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 19, 2018
NBC: Michael Flynn...
Fox News: The biggest scandal in America today is the emasculation of cookies. A look at the liberal agenda’s attempt to ruin Christmas. https://t.co/dB2SPs4L7G
Things Fox does not get mad about:— Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg (@TheRaDR) December 19, 2018
*Russia undermining our democracy
*Human rights abuses against vulnerable people seeking asylum
Things Fox does worry about:
*cookie gender. https://t.co/kmMGvUtPPK
Conservatives: Why are trans people so obsessed with gender?— Cathy Reisenwitz (@CathyReisenwitz) December 19, 2018
Also conservatives: https://t.co/mdsU9utfPs
4. And plenty of piping hot jokes:
It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Stevia. https://t.co/mjGf64cn9m— Julian Sanchez (@normative) December 19, 2018
YES, WE SHOULD BE EATING MEN, WE AGREE ON SOMETHING FINALLY https://t.co/VSmz6gtTRH— Courtney Enlow (@courtenlow) December 19, 2018
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This.👇👇👇https://t.co/Y0yo2vpmHC— Ruin My Week (@RuinedWeek) December 18, 2018
COOKIES ARE MEN— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 19, 2018
CAKES ARE WOMEN
PIES ARE BADGERS
CARAMELS ARE 64 MUSTANG FASTBACKS
I'M SORRY I DON'T MAKE UP THE RULES THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY ARE https://t.co/Dr5RXy0X1Z
ladies, if he's— Tim Murphy (@timothypmurphy) December 19, 2018
-made out of ginger
-missing his head because someone bit it off
sorry sorry I think we stopped doing this https://t.co/GceeDPh8VA
All Sugar cookies are CIS WOMEN— Glen Weldon (@ghweldon) December 19, 2018
All Snickerdoodles are TRANS MEN
All Peanut butter cookies are TRANS WOMEN
All Pizzelles are NON-BINARY
All Macaroons are GENDERQUEER
And all lemon bars are FURRIES so clip and save for your records I don't know why we keep having this conversation