If the recent terrifying abortion legislation and the unreasonable backlash towards female superheroes haven’t clued you in: 2019 is kind of a dumpster fire for women! Not only can we not make our own choices about our own bodies, but pretty much everything that we deem positive and exciting is dumped on by naysayers (read: men).
I know, I know, I say stuff like that pretty much every year — but that’s because every year, it’s true.
So, in between protesting and making our voices heard, how do we cope? Well, with humor and a persevering grimace on our faces, for one. And thankfully, these tweets about the hilarious despair of being a woman in these troubling times are here to empathize (while we all scream into the void):
I wish Old Spice catered to women. Tired of smelling like baby powder & gentle breezes. I wanna walk into a room & have everyone look up & be like, “oh shit, this bitch smells like fuckin Eagle Fangs & she is not to be trifled with.” Can’t command respect smelling like a diaper.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) April 12, 2019
Women are either “kick ass girl bosses with giant pussies” or “smol wholesome bean with anxiety” and there are no in betweens
— Grace Spelman (@GraceSpelman) April 11, 2019
As a young brunette woman who lives alone and recently moved to a big city but keeps to themselves I should have been murdered months ago
— Gina (@ginadivittorio) March 1, 2019
Therapist: “How were your twenties?”
— Jen Winston (@jenerous) February 28, 2019
Woman during oral: Just like that
Man hearing this: Better change the rate, intensity, and hell, maybe even the location of what i'm doing
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) January 24, 2019
hello I am a lady in a movie. I come easily from vaginal penetration.
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) January 4, 2019
literally anything: *is widely loved by women*
straight men: this is the worst thing of all time
— ᶜᵒⁿˢᵗᵃⁿᵗⁱⁿᵉ (@greenIight) December 18, 2018
Therapist: Let’s talk about your treatment and self care plan
Me: Face… mask
Therapist: That’s not a legitimate form of-
Me: ʞsɐɯ ǝɔɐℲ
Therapist: We talked about this it’s a distraction that feeds off consumerism and the internalized value of appearance
Me: ʄǟƈɛ ʍǟֆӄ
— Gina (@ginadivittorio) November 27, 2018
i hate when guys cancel a date after i've already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
— r.✨™ (@rachj0919) November 23, 2018
Every work email I send:
Sorry to bug you!
Was just wondering
(If it’s not too much trouble)
Would it be possible to do thing you said you’d do?
Totally fine if not!
Prob my fault anyway I’m an idiot 🙂
Sorry to bother you!
Sorry I exist!
Just let me know!
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) October 19, 2018
Every woman I know has been storing anger for years in her body and it’s starting to feel like bees are going to pour out of all of our mouths at the same time.
— Erin Keane (@eekshecried) June 28, 2018
men will literally nut 45 seconds into sex and have the audacity to ask if you came. yeah i came to the wrong house
— Iguana ? (@iguana_marie) December 19, 2017
Welcome to Twitter ladies. A married man, who mainly follows, and interacts with only women, will be assigned to you shortly
— Shit. Head. (@THE_shitface) February 12, 2019
woman in pain: i'm in pain
— Casey Rackham (@CaseyRackham) March 19, 2018
Men: seriously why do you need such a big bag?????
Also men: can I put this in your bag
— day (@DaynaHorton) August 4, 2018
to be honest? guys?? all this “we should assign women to unwashed losers as fuck objects and kill them if they get abortions” stuff is starting to feel a bit….personal!
— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) May 18, 2018
Looking at a man's bookshelf or collection of records or list of favourite movies like pic.twitter.com/oPNc6FAOG3
— Sam Montgomery (@sammontgomery) February 26, 2018
boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
— j (@maliagif) May 17, 2015
The moral of Beauty and the Beast is that looks don’t matter, as long as you’re a man.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 27, 2015
Someone on Instagram asked to buy nudes from me, and I was so offended. I’ll say it loud, and I’ll say it proud: I only send nudes for FREE to men who have TRICKED ME into thinking we have an emotional CONNECTION
— Dr. Megan Simon (@myspacemegan) March 25, 2019
As a woman, I just want the same rights as a rattlesnake. pic.twitter.com/JQIFDoDTUL
— jackie (@jackiecarbajal) February 22, 2018