There’s nothing quite like unwinding with a craft cocktail after the end of a long, tiring day. And what better cocktail to ruminate life with than the Old Fashioned? It’s been a top-notch drink of choice for centuries and packs a strong punch to get you feeling all kinds of right after a few healthy sips.
Fans of the Old Fashioned probably know the gist of the recipe.
While there are those out there with their own spin on the drink, it usually consists of two ounces of bourbon or rye, two dashes of bitters, a bar spoon of simple syrup or a muddled sugar cube, maybe two dashes of orange bitters if your feeling particularly fancy, all stirred together and poured over a nice, big ice cube and garnished with orange and lemon peel for zest. Yummy.
But one woman’s Old Fashioned recipe has been taking the Internet by storm, and not for a good reason.
@turing_police posted a video of JaNee Nisonger walking through her steps to making the perfect Old Fashioned and, hoo boy, it’s a lot to take in.
im losing my fucking mind pic.twitter.com/zzdo8kYoKf— Turing Police (@turing_police) May 30, 2019
Everything is wrong about this recipe. Literally everything. I’m not sure if she was just told the ingredients of the drink and then the teleprompter broke, so she improvised, or if she went to the world’s worst bar tending school, but it’s an absolute travesty of a demonstration.
Seriously, let’s take a walk through everything that’s wrong with this recipe.
1. She dumps a whole honkin’ orange slice into the glass with two cherries.
Most Old Fashioneds use a dash or two of orange bitters or a bit of orange peel to bring out a hint of citrus. JaNee throws all that out the window and just decides to plop a big orange slice with two cherries instead. Certainly a bold choice right off the bat.
2. She goes ahead and mashes a sugar cube, two cherries, and a whole orange slice all together. What.
I just- why would anyone do this? In what world is this okay? But, it gets worse.
3. She uses two dashes of invisible bitters.
No bitters come out. So, to recap, we’ve got a mangled car crash of two cherries, sugar, and half an orange congealed at the bottom of a pint glass. Word.
4. She fills the glass to the brim with small ice cubes.
Look, let’s just set aside the fact that JaNee is using the wrong type of glass to begin with. Sometimes you’re short on stocked glasses and you have to make do with what you have. I can appreciate it. But in no universe does an Old Fashioned call for this much ice. But hey, we’re not done just yet!
5. She has a pretty loose interpretation of “3 ounces of bourbon.”
“So, this is a pretty strong drink.” Folks, that is half a bottle of Jim Beam.
She just sloshes the concoction between two different glasses to “mix the ingredients.”
She has the nerve to proudly display her sin against humanity.
“And that’s how you make an Old Fashioned!” I am at a loss for words.
Naturally, Twitter had a thing or two to say about what we all just witnessed.
it’s all wrong
— cursed egg (@dingzip) May 30, 2019
There were no bitters? And she didn’t stop she just… pretended they were there?
— Vik (@PseudoVikram) May 30, 2019
My kinda drink, alcohol on the table
— The Dude (@ClaytonTheCat) May 30, 2019
I was calm and normal until the 3 oz pour
— It’s Calm Time. (@null_fruit) May 30, 2019
when she adds dashes from the empty bottle of bitters my soul left my body
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) May 30, 2019
a full glass of bourbon, nice
— Dave (@dojfnfnf) May 30, 2019
I would be totally fine with this in any airport, hotel or casino bar provided it cost less than $7.
Me (softly): oh no no n
Bartender: *adds 7.5 oz rail bourbon*
Me (softly): yeeeeeeeee
— Ricky Billingsgate (@ambivalentricky) May 30, 2019
So, if you’re looking for a cocktail recipe that’ll get you face-to-floor in one glass, look no further than *checks notes* “half a bottle of Jim Beam and some ice.“