As another long workweek comes to an end, we figure you could use a good hard laugh. That’s why we’ve rounded up some of the all-time funniest tweets from the ladies of Twitter purely for your enjoyment.
So, kick back, relax, and try not to pee your pants while reading these downright hilarious jokes.
this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE pic.twitter.com/9VediAqR3j
— Jennifer Cownie (@cownifer) February 5, 2019
You ever pull your cardigan closed across your chest with crossed arms and suddenly feel like a sentimental widow stepping out onto her beachfront porch at night, fondly remembering her past lover?
— Den (@daniellechezzy) February 4, 2019
I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”
— motherducker (@houseandhens) February 3, 2019
me: wtf how am I already at 20%
my five year old 6S with nine cracks in the screen: *coughing up glass* please just let me die
— gracie hoos (@cottoncandaddy) February 7, 2019
My friend works at an ortho lab where patients can design their own retainers…. pic.twitter.com/A1zgTOo7ok
— Sophie Scruggs (@SophieAScruggs) January 31, 2019
dating in 2019 is matching on a dating app, texting for a day, never meeting up, then looking at each other’s Instagram stories every day until we die
— Lara Parker (@laraeparker) February 6, 2019
I had a fever lastnight and my boyfriend thought the thermometer was a pregnancy test ?? pic.twitter.com/uA1WWIhLos
— VN$A (@VNSAMRE) February 5, 2019
some of u still don't eat the crust on ur pizza like absolute fucking cowards. it's just bread. are u a toddler? does ur mommy tuck u in? eat the crust stupid baby
— ✧･ﾟheathbar ✧･ﾟ (@HeatherLMaree) February 2, 2019
My cat keeps lining up my 9yo son’s socks. pic.twitter.com/Y8BxTjLV5Z
— ghost mom (@radtoria) February 5, 2019
i don’t speak sports, fluent in chipotle tho
— Lindsay Webster (@webbylinster) February 3, 2019