Edward Stockwell
Zoos are pretty great. You get to look at antelopes hump or a rhino taking a massive dump and what’s not to love about that? But wouldn’t it be great if you knew the quality of that rhino? After all, if I’m going to stare at a koala napping in a eucalyptus tree, I want to know that I’m only looking
at the best. Wonder no more! Zoos and zookeepers across the country have taken on the important task of rating their animals like Amazon reviews. Don’t be surprised if you actually learn something too.
It all started when the Oregon Zoo gave two sound 4-Star reviews for their owls and river otters.
⭐⭐⭐⭐ FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Overall very good first impressions. Sturdy built, totally winter-ready and waterproof. Only comes in brown but that’s actually a plus for me. #rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/IK99ODsTPT— Oregon Zoo (@OregonZoo) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐⭐ YOU WONT BE DISAPPOINTED
This stylish little unit is amazing. Sound quality A+. No distortion at full volume but bass is a little weak. Top rotates which is a plus. #rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/OYaWOfzosA— Oregon Zoo (@OregonZoo) March 9, 2018
Not to be outdone, The California Academy of Sciences were brutally honest about their albino gator but were quick to update their score to best reflect reality.
⭐⭐⭐ NOT AS EXPECTED
Color not as shown (not even CLOSE!!!), supposed to be predator but just sits on heated rock all day and let turtles walk all over him (if ambush predators are so different you should tell people) also missing one toe???#rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/5EAdkDN5D4— CA AcademyOfSciences (@calacademy) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ UPDATE 3/9/18: ACTUALLY THE BEST
— CA AcademyOfSciences (@calacademy) March 9, 2018
Monterey Bay Aquarium’s quite the critic.
⭐⭐⭐ otter be 4 stars but
ok first of all i’m very satisfied much improved over river edition. extremely warm insulation which adds buoyancy. if u like kelp the UrchinCrusher+ is a must on coastal trips. minus one star because it’s actually a weasel lol?! #rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/oCGV3aGlZ0— Monterey Bay Aquarium (@MontereyAq) March 9, 2018
Then zoo-keepers, animal aficionados and zoos all around decided to jump in.
⭐ very unsatisfied with the shipping. I ordered a frog and what I got was this big melted pile. #rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/6pj9D2HcED
— Slartibartfast (@shtoopy) March 9, 2018
⭐NOT WHAT I ORDERED
I ordered a duck, otter, and beaver bundle apparently there was some kind of freak accident in shipping or something. Contacted shipper, they claim no error. Bad seller. NEVER BUYING AGAIN!#rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/e13u4K657F— Tyger (@TygerWDR) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐GREAT FOR FISHING
Extremely luxurious exterior hides a strong & sturdy frame. Extreme traction on a 4×4 drivetrain for all terrain grip. Overengineered but a solid unit for outdoor excursions. Can run on peanut butter but not recommended. #rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/rD1c5dUdnD— Tyger (@TygerWDR) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐⭐ PRAYING THEY KEEP MAKING THESE
As seen on @Oatmeal. Full set is the ultimate seafood multi-tool: tenderizes, slices and serves in milliseconds! Comes in all colors plus some you can’t see.#rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/vm2YhrBihR— Monterey Bay Aquarium (@MontereyAq) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐ CAT/SNAKE HYBRID
Extremely musky. 5/6 ends sharp and pointy. Handles like a furry noodle. But fantastic for taking care of unwanted prairie dogs along your property.#rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/I7euo0S3GJ— Tyger (@TygerWDR) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐ PROS & CONS
Dwarf model provides rapid clearing of foliage, weeds, and unwanted shrubbery in a compact design. Exceptionally adorable, but also will devour clothing and paper if left unattended. Occasionally hard-headed but fun to have around.#rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/SCZIPCdcDA— Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Gardens (@LAZoo) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐⭐ I WAS A DOUBTER
I was skeptical but this really works! You can’t just put any kind of kangaroo in a tree. You need to make sure you get the right kind. Look for labels like “Matschie’s” or “Goodfellow’s” to know it’s the real deal.
#rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/8fy8dU74fK— Woodland Park Zoo (@woodlandparkzoo) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐⭐ GREAT VALUE
LOVE these. Must-have on all outdoor adventures. Keeps bugs off even when wet. Cordless.#rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/aGJ7GsMlhj— Oregon Zoo (@OregonZoo) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐⭐ VERY HAPPY
Not to be confused with a smiling leaf. Very bouncy and keeps cricket population under control. Offers eye antennas for improved smile signal. #rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/qz4frTnoqL— Josh’s Frogs (@JoshsFrogs) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐Pleasantly surprised. Thought I had ordered a Roomba, but this did an excellent job of cleaning up my ecosystem. Only downside is the projectile vomiting. Overall 5 stars, would drunkenly purchase again. #rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/5fDfHiaWNq
— Katherine O’Reilly (@DrKatfish) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐⭐ MISLABELED
Warning. Not as labeled. This is a straight up bear. Not a sloth. Not a sloth/bear hybrid. Very good quality bear, as long as you know what you’re getting into. #rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/87xoTTz9pU— Woodland Park Zoo (@woodlandparkzoo) March 9, 2018
⭐⭐⭐ 3/5 Audio Recorder: Mixed feelings on this review. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. It only records what it finds interesting. AND will replay LOUDLY usually at or BEFORE sunrise.Also, no battery needed. Requires fresh fruits & veggies. VERY MESSY.
#rateaspecies pic.twitter.com/WLnQiSVjOt— Rick Schwartz 🦒🦏🐢🦓🦅🦋🐅 (@ZooKeeperRick) March 10, 2018
They’re good animals, zoos.